


Her Regret

by kangelique



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Gen, Inspired by Once Upon a Time (TV), Love Confessions, Phone Call, True Love, not cursed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-27
Updated: 2018-07-27
Packaged: 2019-06-17 09:54:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15458769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kangelique/pseuds/kangelique
Summary: "The cost of not following your heart is spending the rest of your life wishing you had"





	Her Regret

**Author's Note:**

> Only Emma's point of view, first person point of view.

**Her Regret:**

When I first heard his words, I froze.

I'll admit I didn't plan on answering. I didn't want to talk to anyone. Not him. Not my family. I didn't want anyone reaching out. It just wasn't in me in that moment to do it, to go ahead and answer the call. The first ring I ignored. But the caller was persistent, and I was stubborn. I'd grown annoyed by the third time, and then I wondered what would have happened if I'd never answered. What they would have done. What kind of guilt I would carry besides the one I already did. They would have come to get me, for sure. And they would have needed to drag me out of my apartment, but upon hearing the words  _He's at the hospital, Emma_ , there would have been no need for dragging because I would have ran out, leaving them behind, desperately needing to be at his side. To tell him I loved him.

So when I first heard his words, I froze.

And I was surprised that my legs hadn't given out completely under me because I could feel the hot fearful tears before they even started, not even giving them a chance to fall as they clouded my vision, and very rapidly said to the phone  _I'm coming, Killian, I'm coming_ as my hand trembled and made finding my keys all the more hard. The only sound in the room that I actually managed to hear was of the call ending with a small click from the other end that felt like an explosion to my ear, and then the clatter as whatever things fell to the floor in the search of my keys, each fall sounding like his heart as it slowly dropped away, becoming more and more distant, less and less working, and only accelerating my breathing that it started to come out in huffs until I had to stop at the door to collect myself and put my head against the cool surface to calm the demon thoughts that were beginning to cloud me upon hearing  _He's at the hospital, Emma_ , echoing and echoing in my head despite how loud a pounding was going on in there too.

My shaking hand managed to turn the knob, and too be honest I didn't remember if the door to my apartment had been closed. If I'd closed it at all. I couldn't recall it because I also hadn't heard it, But I doubted I would have been able to hear anything until I saw him, until I was holding his hand, and until I was looking into his blue eyes and he was giving me that smirk I secretly loved and that he actually knew I secretly loved, until his lips were on mine confirming his steady breathing. Only then would the fog go away, and the mist would clear enough for everything to be clear again. All I could really think was that I'd lost too much already, and I couldn't lose him too.  _I can't lose him, I can't lose him, I can't lose him_   was the only thing that stopped me from focusing on traffic. Or maybe there really was no traffic and my mind just made it seem like there was because it added to my panic and sped up the adrenaline to get there as fast as possible as I seemed to be floating outside my own body, seeing the mess of a woman I'd become so quickly in just a few short minutes, showing me how much I loved him, how much I cared, how much afraid I was to have to let him go.

How much I hated myself that it took this to make me realize it when it had been there all along.

I don't think I even felt the cold Boston air of the winter season, more like I felt it afterward when I stepped on the gas and began driving, dangerously speeding past yellow lights as I felt my air become low, the cold never quite reaching my skin as I thought of all of our times together because it was passing like a movie in front of my eyes, keeping me going and killing me at the same time when all the times he'd made me laugh, made me smile, made me want to trust, felt his arms around me, wiped away my tears and been completely there, promising with such an earnest to never leave my side, flashing before me like a torment, and I knew I had to get there. See he was okay. See the monitor keeping time of his heartbeat, to caress his cheek and run my fingers through his dark hair to tell him she was sorry for being scared, for letting him walk out the door because I hadn't been ready to admit a lot of things.

_I'm sorry, Killian._ Already the tears were slipping down to my neck and drying there, but I didn't have the strength in me to wipe away the wet because bringing my hand up felt like bringing up a solid brick to do the job just as my body felt suddenly heavy and weighed down, so I just left them there and more slid down to join. And yet my feet still carried me through the glass doors and all the way down the white corridor, almost light, like I was a ghost, already fading, and people only eyeing me with suspicion, slightly turning away but only helping me get there faster to where my parents, Regina, and Henry were waiting.

"Where is he? Where's Killian?"

My voice was broken, torn, strained, and everything I'd never wanted it to sound like again, but here I was going through my same nightmare and this time it replayed harder and crushed me so much worse that I didn't notice my whole body was shaking until I pulled away from David's tentative touch trying to comfort me, and Mary Margaret mouth moving to say whatever speech about hope and lies that it would all be okay, but Regina's eyes told me everything. And I didn't need that. I didn't need them trying to be soothing parents to their child. No. I just needed him. Because right now all their presence did was make me feel numb, and I needed him to bring back feeling. I needed to know where he was. I just needed to see him because the fact that even Henry was frozen, that one tear sliding down his cheek, it told me this was already hopeless and I shook my head against it because it couldn't be. It just couldn't be.

"No--" My ragged breathing came to a sudden halt when I turn around and see him, whatever protest I was going to say getting stuck in my throat as I almost trip over my own feet to run into the room, throwing the door open so fast that I don't even feel it or hear it when it hits the wall, because there he is, alive and monitor telling me his heart his working, gently bringing his hand to mine to wrap our fingers together when I came to his side to lean above him, carefully putting my forehead against his as a smile breaks over my face despite the tears still falling. His voice is weak when he whispers " _Swan"_ , and I can only whisper back fiercely " _I'm here, I'm here, Killy, I'm here"_ because I finally am, and I'm so damn sorry that it took this to make me brave. But I don't get to say that to him because when his eyes slowly open, I see love in his blue pupils and then there's nothing.

Then there's nothing.

So when David comes in to take me in his arms and cradle my head, I don't feel it. And when Regina holds Henry back, I don't see it. And when Mary Margaret has a tear sliding down seeing my expression, I don't believe it. I don't want to. And I don't hear the woman screaming and shouting and suddenly kicking to not be taken away from him as her hand is forced to leave his, and then they are covering his face. I don't see it. I don't want to. I'm not that woman. And I don't see her clutch her stomach when they turn off the monitor because just a minute ago it had been working, it had been on, and she'd been so relieved that she hadn't heard it speed up and then die completely. I don't see the woman collapse to the floor as her body rocks with sobs and cool surface meets her palms. Because that isn't me. It's not me. It's me outside my own body, watching as he's wheeled away, never hearing the things I wanted to say.

The things he should have heard.

The things I'll always regret never speaking before death took him.

That's why I live my life, thinking about that moment, patiently waiting for death to come for me when it's time, and take me to where he is where I'll finally tell him everything I never got to say and will be forever together in that better place.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, this is the saddest Emma and Hook write I've done so far. It came to me when I heard the lyrics of this song "My shadow's dancing without you for the first time, My heart is hoping you'll walk right in tonight, Tell me there are things that you regret" and it just took me to this idea, so yeah, hope you liked it even though it was sad!


End file.
